The first Snotling Destruction Derby, sponsored by Grintoof, was held in All-Star Week of Season III. The event gave the tough blockers and blitzers of the league a chance to shine. Each team had the opportunity to nominate one player to take part.
Competitors[]
The following players took part in the Derby:
- Bloomberg
- Fredo D. Stefani
- Hildr
- Konrad "the Krazy" von Duneheim
- Kowen
- Lyngvi
- Max Dryhauser
- Quetankha of the Jungles of Despair
- Vanagandr
- Cornelius
Grintoof also managed to secure a number of celebrity retired players to take part in an exhibition derby prior to the competition:
The Glorious Prizes[]
The winner will receive a pair of Grintoof Rogre hardliner gloves. These gloves may be used as a pre-game inducement to give that player +1 ST for an upcoming match. However, the gloves are cheaply-constructed, and will fall apart after two matches.
The biggest loser will receive a Grintoof Procreatis codpiece. As part of the attached endorsement deal, the player must wear the codpiece in his next three matches. For the first two, the codpiece grants +1 AV. But on the third match, it would seem he has placed too much faith in his cheap, snotling-produced Grintoof equipment. Proudly thrusting his crotch into the path of every incoming block, the codpiece fails, and he gets -1 AV for that third match, before tossing the thing.
Results and Standings[]
Celebrity Derby[]
Prior to the main event was the Grintoof Celebrity Snotling Derby. In this event, great retired bashers from seasons past went head to head in a pounding prieview of the day's activities. In the first round, Bull the Butcher, of Styx Rivermen fame, went first. Electing to take the risky option of facing two snotlings at a time, the diminutive weaklings were no match for Bull, who eliminated a total of 11 snotlings. After Bull came necromantic flesh golem George 'Grafts', who is perhaps best known for killing Bull's Rivermen teammate Dick the Destroyer. Apparently it was a fluke, as Grafts was only able to down 2 snotlings. The treeman Oak, of well, The Trees, came up next. Like Bull, he elected for a 2 snotling strategy, and acquitted himself well, taking out 7 snotlings despite sub-par blocking skills. The final contestant was Red Sabres veteran, and Sports Night! commentator Joe Nar Law Muu. Asked prior to his shot what he felt his chances were in the first round, Joe said the following;
"I's gonna smash!"
What Joe lacked in quantity, he certainly made up for in smashy. Despite only eliminating 4 snotlings, Joe managed to kill two outright! After the first round, Bull and Oak, having the best scores, advanced to the final showdown.
| Name | Team | Cas | KOs | Kills | Total Score |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Bull the Butcher | Styx Rivermen | 7 | 4 | 0 | 11 |
| Oak | The Trees | 3 | 4 | 0 | 7 |
| Joe Nar Law Muu | Red Sabres | 2 | 2 | 2 | 4 |
| George "Grafts | Patched Plagues | 1 | 1 | 0 | 2 |
Oak, having scored fewer points in the earlier round, was first to go. Again electing for the dual-snotling
Bull dispatches one of two snotlings which he killed in the final round.
strategy, the treeman started off well, eliminating one snotling before his lack of blocking skills reared its ugly head. Laying full-force into a block, Oak left himself exposed and the snotling was able to get a solid shot on Oak's low danglies! We mean the fruit that grows on the treeman, obviously. Treeman biology being what it is, the shot was extremely painful, dropping Oak to the ground, and prematurely ending his turn. Next up, Bull the Butcher would need to eliminate only two snotlings to win. With the crowd chanting "Raging Bull!" as he took the pitch, the tomb guardian gave the crowd a show, going on a rampage in the final round, eliminating 19 snotlings with his dual-snotling assault. Just the snotlings that he killed (two) were enough to win the final round, and secure the celebrity derby trophy for the Rivermen vet.
| Name | Team | Cas | KOs | Kills | Total Score |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Bull the Butcher | Styx Rivermen | 11 | 8 | 2 | 19 |
| Oak | The Trees | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
Regular Derby[]
Round 1
To open the Grintoof Snotling Derby, ten of the best bashers in the league lined up for a shot at greatness. After a random draw to determine the order, Konrad ze Krazy got the first shot of the afternoon. With his trusty thrall
Konrad ze Krazy provided one of the round's surprises with an unexpected early casualty run.
Squire providing the refreshments, Konrad proceeded to light up the pitch. A brilliant early run saw Konrad casualty or KO five of his first eight snotlings before needing to grab a drink from his buddy Squire. Despite only eliminating two more (Including a kill! Doubt his manager will be happy to pay for that.) in his next eight snotlings, Konrad had pumped up the crowd, and the crowd (as well as Konrad) was thirsting for more blood. Next, lackluster performances by Vánagandr, Quetankha, and Hildr failed to satisfy the crowd. Luckily, the tree(wo)man Bloomberg and Triple-S' Kowen provided decent performances in that stretch, to keep the crowds at bay. Bloomberg's performance was tainted by an unseemly high number of KO's rather than casualties. The crowd then received a real treat as Cornelius, Fredo D. Stefani, and Max Dryhauser took the field to much fanfare. The three crowd favorites performed well in each of their turns, all three exceeding the totals put up by Konrad and Bloomberg. But little did anyone know, the best had been saved for last. Lyngvi provided a blocking clinic, knocking out or injuring a total of 11 snotlings to set the standard for the first round. Lyngvi, Cornelius, Max, and Fredo advanced to the second round. Konrad ze Krazy barely edged out Bloomberg on account of his impressive casualty score in relation to the Johnnys' tree(wo)man, and advances as well.
First Round Results
| Name | Team | Casualties | KOs | Kills | Total Score |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Lyngvi | Rampage! | 6 | 5 | 0 | 11 |
| Cornelius | The Fancy Lads | 5 | 4 | 1 | 9 |
| Max Dryhauser | Hellbug's Heroes | 5 | 3 | 1 | 8 |
| Fredo D. Stefani | Red Sabres | 3 | 5 | 0 | 8 |
| Konrad ze Krazy | The Bloodknights | 5 | 2 | 1 | 7 |
| Bloomberg | The Johnnys' Quest | 2 | 5 | 0 | 7 |
| Kowen | Selene's Seductive Strut | 3 | 3 | 0 | 6 |
| Hildr | Die Valkyrie | 1 | 2 | 0 | 3 |
| Quetankha | Outrageous Cretaceous | 1 | 2 | 0 | 3 |
| Vánagandr | The Mistakes of Life | 1 | 2 | 0 | 3 |
Round 2
Opening the second round was first round hero Kondrad ze Krazy. Konrad started out really well, with a KO on his first snotling, but then need to grab a drink from his thrall Squire. After another snotling, Squire was back up as Konrad reached for another drink. Unfortunately, this time Squire had to be removed from the pitch for blood loss. Konrad should have grabbed a bite before the match, because on the next snotling, he reached for Squire again...but Squire was gone. Despite having eliminated three snotlings in just five attempts, Konrad quit the pitch to find a drink, ending his promising run. Fredo D. Stefani provided the first real fireworks of the day, eliminating eight snotlings, including a kill, to set the stage for Heroes beastman Max Dryhauser.
Max Dryhauser improved on his first round's performance to lead the pack.
Dryhauser continued the exhibition began by Fredo, and himself eliminated nine snotlings to top the chart. Next up was Fancy Lads blitzer Cornelius, who made a respectable run, surpassing Lyngvi, but failing to match his first round performance, and unable to reach the bar set by Fredo and Max. First round winner Lyngvi was up next. Lyngvi's frenzied approach served him well in the first round, allowing him to pursue fleeing snotlings, but this time it didn't work so well in his favor. Chasing a missed block, Lyngvi faced three snotlings (still favorable for him), but failed to land the block. A lucky hit by a snotling found its mark, and Lyngvi was done for the day, having only dropped five snotlings. As the last contestant in the round, totals were tabulated, and we have Fredo D. Stefani and Max Dryhauser facing off in the final round!
Second Round Results
| Name | Team | Casualties | KOs | Kills | Total Score |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Max Dryhauser | Hellbug's Heroes | 5 | 4 | 0 | 9 |
| Fredo D. Stefani | Red Sabres | 3 | 5 | 1 | 8 |
| Cornelius | The Fancy Lads | 4 | 2 | 0 | 6 |
| Lyngvi | Rampage! | 3 | 2 | 1 | 5 |
| Konrad ze Krazy | The Bloodknights | 1 | 2 | 0 | 3 |
Final
The Final Round. As these two juggernauts of the pitch took the field, the crowd erupted in anticipation of what was to come. Going first, was Fredo D. Stefani, the Red Sabres' star blitzer. Fredo headed to the target area, and immediately began to show why he has managed to hang around in this league for so long.
Fredo displayed the skills which made him the joint Season I casualties leader.
Cheered on by the crowd, Fredo finished with nine snotlings eliminated, including a kill. After a standing ovation from the crowd, the onlookers remained standing as up-and-coming beastman Max Dryhauser took the field. Hoping to show that Chaos rules the bashy team, Dryhauser got to work. Unfortunately, he was unable to match his success of the previous two rounds. With six snotlings eliminated, he fell well short of Fredo, despite still having a respectable total plus another kill. The crowd cheered Fredo on as he took the pitch once more to accept his award. Shaking hands with the beastman, Fredo took the Grintoof Rogre hardliner gloves, as the just due for his display today.
Final Round Results
| Name | Team | Casualties | KOs | Kills | Total Score |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Fredo D. Stefani | Red Sabres | 6 | 3 | 1 | 9 |
| Max Dryhauser | Hellbug's Heroes | 4 | 2 | 1 | 6 |
Fines[]
Also, as we know, killing Grintoof snotlings was strictly prohibited. The following teams were assessed fines due to the actions of their players:
| Team | Snotlings Killed | Penalty |
|---|---|---|
| Red Sabres | 2 | $40,000 |
| Hellbug's Heroes | 2 | $40,000 |
| Rampage! | 1 | $20,000 |
| The Bloodknights | 1 | $20,000 |
Format and Rules[]
The Derby will be run by Crow.
-Each team may send one representative to take part. The Derby occurs prior to the All-Star matches, so players may take part in both if necessary.
-Each team representative will be given 16 blocks. One other player will be allowed to take the pitch with the representative if special assistance is required (Bloodlust, Really Stupid). This person may not assist in blocking.
-One snotling will step into the target area to receive each block. A player may elect to have two snotlings step into the box if they wish to attempt a Multiple Block.
-If a snotling is knocked out of the target area, the blocking player may elect to pursue, without forfeiting any of their upcoming blocks (Frenzy). However, snotlings waiting to enter the target area may assist their comrade in this follow-up block. Pursue at your own risk.
-If a player is knocked down in the course of a block, they do not receive any further attempts, and their score for that round is tallied. Dropping to Pile On to an opponent is acceptable. But the player must stand up in order to block the next snotling (not a problem for most players, except possibly a Treeman with Piling On).
-One point is awarded for each casualty or K.O. Ties will go to the player with more casualties. Killing Grintoof snotlings is prohibited. Teams of players who kill Grintoof snotlings will be assessed a $20,000 fine for each snotling killed to provide for their replacement.
-Each representative will receive 16 block attempts in the 1st round. The top half scorers in the 1st round will advance to the 2nd round, where they will receive another 16 attempts. The top two scorers in the 2nd round will advance to the final, where they will receive 16 attemps. The highest scoring player in the final is the winner. The lowest scoring player in the 1st round is the biggest loser.
-Scores do not carry over from earlier rounds. Each round is a clean slate.
-No, you do not get to keep the SPP from smashing the Snotlings.