The third Snotling Destruction Derby, sponsored by Grintoof, was held in All-Star Week of Season V. The event gave the tough blockers and blitzers of the league a chance to shine. Each team had the opportunity to nominate one player to take part.
Competitors[]
The following players took part in the Derby:
- Biter
- Dirk Westenberg
- Doc Nutsmasher
- Experiment IV
- Grot
- Guardy CTCT
- Jekyl
- Konrad von Duneheim
- Moonblood
- Penny Sense
- Tarquin Mandeville
Grintoof also managed to secure a number of celebrity retired players to take part in an exhibition derby prior to the competition:
- Season IV Defensive Rookie of the Year Blind Io
- Season III Defensive Rookie of the Year Bloomberg
- Celebrity Derby I champion Bull the Butcher
- Two-time Derby champion Fredo D. Stefani
The Glorious Prizes[]
The winner will receive a pair of Grintoof Rogre hardliner gloves. These gloves may be used as a pre-game inducement to give that player +1 ST for an upcoming match. However, the gloves are cheaply-constructed, and will fall apart after two matches.
The biggest loser will receive a Grintoof Procreatis codpiece. As part of the attached endorsement deal, the player must wear the codpiece in his next three matches. For the first two, the codpiece grants +1 AV. But on the third match, it would seem he has placed too much faith in his cheap, snotling-produced Grintoof equipment. Proudly thrusting his crotch into the path of every incoming block, the codpiece fails, and he gets -1 AV for that third match, before tossing the thing.
Results and Standings[]
Celebrity Derby[]
The Grintoof Celebrity Snotling Derby kicked off the All-star week activities as fans packed into the stands at Bad Badenhof. First up to take a swing at some snotlings was former Styx Rivermen basher Bull the Butcher. Despite a (for him) poor outing, Bull still managed to Cas or KO 10 snotlings in 16 attempts. The wood elf tree(wo)man Bloomberg was next to step into the box. A defensive rookie of the year in Season III, Bloomberg notched the first kill of the day, and made a strong run coming up just shy of Bull's total. She did kill two snotlings in the process. Following her into the target area, was Season IV defensive rookie of the year, the ogre Blind Io. Io put on a bold demonstration of how to squash snotlings, no doubt from his extensive experience working with them. When all was said and done, though Io had not surpassed Bull's total, he had taken the lead on an astounding 9 casualties, with just 1 KO. Rounding out the this motley group was two-time Snotling Derby winner Fredo D. Stefani, of Rad Sabres fame (and current coach of Talabheim Eagles). Fredo smashed his way past Bull and Bloomberg, racking up 6 casualties and 4 KO's. Just enough to squeak into the final round.
| Player | Casualties | KOs | Kills | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Blind Io | 9 | 1 | 2 | 10 |
| Fredo D. Stefani | 6 | 4 | - | 10 |
| Bull the Butcher | 5 | 5 | - | 10 |
| Bloomberg | 5 | 2 | 2 | 7 |
With the lower score, it was Fredo who would make the first attempt in the final round. Always a model of consistency, Fredo performed quite well, matching his casualty total, but coming up short on KO's. Capping off his attempt with a kill, the crowd was amped up as Fredo ceded the target area to Blind Io. The competition was close as Io bashed his way through the snotlings that bravely stood against him. As the competition came down to the final snotling, Io and Fredo sat tied at 6 cas and 2 ko a piece. Io blocked the last snotling, but the greenskin fell uninjured. That is when Io threw himself onto the downed creature with a powerful body slam. The pile-on crushed the snotling, giving Blind Io the casualty he needed to surpass Fredo D. Stefani and become the Season V celebrity champion.
| Player | Casualties | KOs | Kills | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Blind Io | 7 | 2 | - | 9 |
| Fredo D. Stefani | 6 | 2 | 1 | 8 |
Regular Derby
After the excitement of the celebrity derby, the elected star bashers of the league took the pitch to show what the new crop of league bashers can do. Doc Nutsmasher leds things off, smashing up a respectable 7 snotlings, including killing the first snotling of the day. Guardy CTCT of Crooked Peak had an interesting outing, managing to stay alive in the Crooked Peak locker room wager by KOing six snotlings without inflicting a single casualty. The rat ogre Experiment IV and bloodthirster Moonblood put up strong performances before both of them were blocked out early by lucky snotlings. Moonblood's early end came as a particular disappointment, having killed two snotlings in as many casualties. Dirk Westenberg was also blocked out.
The orc Grot put on a fantastic show, scoring 9 and giving the greenskins of the league a good accounting of themeselves. The real fireworks began when vampire Konrad ze Krazy stepped into the box. Konrad went on a snotling rampage, inflicting six casualties and three KO's before removing himself from the pitch early to grab a drink. But to the surprise of everyone in attendance, it was not Konrad, but the goblin representative Jekyl who would top the first round. Jekyl's wild, spinning approach threw him into the mass of snotlings standing by the target area, where Jekyl's massive ball and chain couldn't be stopped. When the dust cleared, Jekyl had knocked out eight snotlings, and injured four more. The judges then tabulated the scores. Jekyl, Konrad ze Krazy, Grot, Doc Nutsmasher, and Guardy CTCT advance to the second round!
| Name | CAS | KO | Killed | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Jekyl | 4 | 8 | - | 12 |
| Konrad ze Krazy | 6 | 3 | - | 9 |
| Grot | 5 | 4 | - | 9 |
| Doc Nutsmasher | 3 | 4 | 1 | 7 |
| Guardy CTCT | 0 | 6 | - | 6 |
| Penny Sense | 2 | 3 | - | 5 |
| Moonblood | 2 | 2 | 2 | 4 |
| Biter | 2 | 2 | - | 4 |
| Tarquin Mandeville | 2 | 0 | - | 2 |
| Experiment IV | 2 | 0 | - | 2 |
| Dirk Westenberg | 1 | 1 | - | 2 |
As the sun climbed to the midpoint of the sky, the second round of the Grintoof Snotling Derby was underway. Guardy CTCT started things off, immediately losing the dwarf bet, Guardy led off with a casualty before embarking on a disappointing run that saw him collect only two casualties, though one of those was a kill. The snotlings were defending well as Doc Nutsmasher stepped in. Between his own stupidity and the elusiveness of his targets, Doc did only barely better than Guardy, finishing with three casualties and a kill. The orc Grot however got off to a blistering start, matching Doc's total exactly when his strong effort was cut short by a successful snotling block. To the dismay of greenskins everywhere, Grot's fall served as the tiebreaker between he and Doc, who lasted until the end of his round. Konrad ze Krazy was next, and the fans met him with grand applause as he got to work.
An astounding 8 casualties and 2 KO's later Konrad cut his own turn short by leaving the field to grab another drink, when he returned, he was informed that his turn had ended. After the officials got Konrad back under control with the aid of his brothers, the star of the first round, Jekyl, took the pitch. As he splattered the first snotling the crowd roared, but was quickly silenced. Jekyl's wild undulations had taken him too deep into the snotling waiting area, where the snotlings were able to overcome and block him! At the top of the table for the round, Konrad ze Krazy advances to the final round! In addition, on account of several poor showings in the round, Doc Nutsmasher advances to face him!
| Name | CAS | KO | Killed | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Konrad ze Krazy | 8 | 2 | - | 10 |
| Doc Nutsmasher | 3 | 1 | 1 | 4 |
| Grot | 3 | 1 | 1 | 4 |
| Guardy CTCT | 2 | 1 | 1 | 3 |
| Jekyl | 1 | 0 | - | 1 |
The field whittled down to the last two competitors, Bad Badenhof was at capacity for the final round of the Grintoof Snotling Destruction Derby. First into the target area was Doc Nutsmasher of Selene's Seductive Strut. Despite the warpstone troll's best efforts, the snotlings proved to be too elusive, and several of the Math Teacher's blows were slipped. After facing his full compliment of 16 snotlings, Doc's total sat at two casualties and three knockouts.
With an easily attainable target, Bloodknights vampire Konrad ze Krazy took the field to thunderous applause. The first snotling to step foot into the target area was immediately crushed by Konrad, then another, and another. Choosing to remain on the field for the entirety of his turn, Konrad crushed the total of his opponent, securing victory before he had even gone through half of his snotling compliment. Turning to soak up adoration from the crowd, former derby champ Fredo D. Stefani took the field to present Konrad with his prize.
| Name | CAS | KO | Killed | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Konrad ze Krazy | 5 | 5 | - | 10 |
| Doc Nutsmasher | 2 | 3 | - | 5 |
As champion of the Season V Grintoof Snotling Derby, Konrad ze Krazy receives the Grintoof Rogre hardliner gloves. These gloves can be used as a free inducement to give the wearer +1ST in any match in which they are worn. The cheap, snotling-constructed gloves wear out quickly however, and will fall apart after two uses.
As the league's most pathetic basher, Dirk Westenberg receives the Grintoof Procreatis codpiece, and Grintoof endorsement contract. By the terms of the contract, Dirk must wear the codpiece in his next three matches. In the first two, he will receive +1AV, but in the third the cheap codpiece will unexpectedly fail, hitting him with -1AV for that match!
As always, killing Grintoof snotlings was strictly prohibited, and the following teams have been fined for the actions of their players:
| Team | Player | Kills | Fine |
|---|---|---|---|
| Selene's Seductive Strut | Doc Nutsmasher | 2 | $40,000 |
| Murder, Arson, and Jaywalking | Moonblood | 2 | $40,000 |
| Da Monsters of Da Midden | Grot | 1 | $20,000 |
| Crooked Peak | Guardy CTCT | 1 | $20,000 |