Sports Night was a semi-regular weekly CABALvision show produced by Oh My God for the duration of Season II. The presenters were Dan Rydell and Casey "Killer" McCall. The show was sponsored by Tinwë United, although this didn't stop the presenters laying into the elf team at any available opportunity. Following Oh My God's mysterious disappearance in the Season III off-season, the show has been off the air.
" Hello, and I'm Casey "Killer" McCall."
" And I'm Dan Rydell."
" And you're watching SportsNight, on CABALVISION, sponsored by Madcap Energy Drinks. When you absolutely, positively have to get pumped up."
" Now before we begin coverage of this season's first weekend of regular play, we'd like to welcome a new addition to the SportsNight family. When we'd heard he had been cut from the Red Sabers, we couldn't let the opportunity pass us by. May I introduce our newest Blood Bowl correspondent, Joe Nar Law Muu!"
" Yur! "
" Glad to have you aboard, Joe."
" Yur! "
" Now the season opener is relative newcomers Patched Plagues up against the fearsome might of Rampage! What's so scary about them, you ask?"
" No one asked that, Casey."
" Shut your filthy pie hole, Dan. They're so scary because no less than three of their players have Mighty Blows. And if the Plagues think they've got an edge in the arena of Werewolves, they're in for a surprise. #10 Lyngvi of the Rampage! is set to carve a bloody swath through his cousins on the other side. Don't you agree, Joe?"
" Dey's gonna smash! "
" Someone seems to be a fan. Moving on. The Division A Champs are in for a rough game the first week."
" Really, Dan? Why do you say that?"
" Not one player has tackle, and their opponents are the fearsome Die Valkyrie. Having your entire team be able to dodge is a hell of an edge, Casey. Not to mention the fact that they spent their off-season in training. I don't know what skeletons do at the beach, and I don't think I want to know, either."
" They probably just missed the desert, Dan. What do you think, Joe?"
" Dey's gonna smash!"
" Right! Moving on to the Tinwë United versus Iron Giants match, we must first make a full disclosure. Tinwë United is a major sponser of this program. Dan and I'll try to prevent this from affecting our judgements. So, what do you say, Dan?"
" Oh, gods. The Iron Giants are going to absolutely wreck Tinwë United. The elves don't stand a chance. "
" Why's that, Dan?"
" They're elves. Note the lack of a 'wood', a 'dark', or a 'high' in front of that word. You know how teams that call themselves High Elves are all active in their nation's military, Casey?"
" Of course Dan. That's where they get their effective armor and helmets from. Stylish, to boot!"
" Riiiiight. Well, the so-called 'Pro' Elves are just a bunch of upper crust twits who probably think they're headed out for a nice game of cricket. They're doomed."
" Careful there, Dan. They -are- one of our sponsors."
" The day one of those blue bloods spends an evening in a pub watching CABALVISION is the day I eat my hat, Killer."
" You don't have a hat, Dan."
" It's a turn of phrase, Casey. What do you think Joe? Do you think Tinwë has a shot?"
" Dey's gonna smash!"
" Next up is Green IS Your Enemy versus the formidible might of BEERd. The real question in this match is whether picking up the Fancy Lad's Leslie, Heathecliffe and Norbert will help them out against the solid wall of Block that is any Dwarf team."
" If that's the question, then the answer is 'not really' Casey. They invested in the tree veteran players for their growth potential. Its clear Heathcliffe and Norbert are both just waiting to shine."
" And Leslie? "
" Never hurts to have a zogging big Ork on your side, Casey! "
" Joe? "
" Dey's gonna smash! "
" MAIM KILL BURN has the first week off. Rumour has it that they're going to spend it.. it says here 'sacking, pillaging, sacking'. Why do you reckon it says sacking twice, Dan? "
" Because children watch this show, Killer."
" But the violence? And the profanity? And the violence?"
" And one mention of anything involving the s-word and we're off the air. You know how the Imperial Censors can be. One wrong move and *zip* off to be tortured and burned."
" ... and we're running out of time. Johnny's Quest is up against Hellbug's Heroes. Which stands tall, supreme agility or smashing blows?"
" The Quest'll take the game, but they'll have... two or three serious injuries to deal with afterwards. They really should have spent the off-season training."
" Joe? Anything salient to add? "
" Dey's gonna smash!"
" And last but certainly not least, a rematch of two of last year's favorite teams. This one really could go either way Dan."
" You know it, Killer. It really will come down to which team wants it more."
" And what do you think, Joe? "
" Da Sabres, dey gonna smash hard. Wot were you finkingg? Smash hard!"
" There you have it folks. I'm Casey " Killer" McCall."
" And I'm Dan Rydell."
" This was SportsNight. Smash hard."
" Hello! I'm Casey "Killer" McCall."
" And I'm Dan Rydell."
" And you're watching SportsNight, on CABALVISION, sponsored by Gorkamork Gogurt. The green yogurt that tastes so good it'll make your head explode!"
" In a quick recap of last week; some games were played. No one died. There weren't any huge upsets. And I got one of the production assistants phone numbers after last weeks show."
" ... that was a Black Ork in drag, Dan."
" ... moving on, we take a quick look at some of the games coming up in this week."
" First off are the Styx Rivermen facing off against Rampages!. Both teams are looking to hold on to the momentum they picked up in week one. Dan?"
" An interesting rematch from last season. I think the one thing that anyone can say for certain is that its going to be a real blood bath."
" Skeletons don't have blood, Dan."
" Too true Casey. Any suggestion, Joe?"
" Smash bash!"
" Splendid. Ever the wordsmith, Joe."
" With their impressive demonstration of passing skills last week, Tinwë United is looking for a win against the Patched Plague by trying to aim for their own players this time."
" Tinwë actually has a shot at this one. Sure, the werewolves -seem- scary, but their claws aren't any more dangerous to the poorly protected elves than a punch from a halfling."
" A halfling would actually pose more of a threat, Dan. Hitting low, if you will."
" Yikes. This one hinges on the special training the coach of United has one of his players undertaking; if the right man winds up passing, the game should go brilliantly for the agile elves."
" And if their daft catcher keeps trying to throw to himself, they'll wind up six feet under."
" A little bit of undead humor there."
" Hur hur hur hur! "
" With the Fancy Lads having this week as a bye, Dan's only chance for catching any sight of pretty Black Orks will be the team Green IS your enemy! facing off against Die Valkyrie. Personally, I'm still shocked the lovely ladies of the Amazon didn't pull off a big upset against the Rivermen last week. Look for them to start gaining steam here in week two."
" I like the Orcs in this particular confrontation. The layout of your typical Orc squad is solid any way you slice it. Its hard to go wrong. "
" Typical is right, Casey. And given that you keep mistaking Black Orks for ladies, you obviously have a firm grasp on the atypical. So you'll have to agree, what could be more atypical than a team of athletic women, eh? Eh?"
" Joe SMASH MISOGYNY! GRAAAH."
" And.. we are having some magical difficulties. The wizard on location with Joe seems to have been knocked unconscious by the enraged ogre. Hopefully, someone remembered to bring the smelling salts and we'll have their CABALVISION connection back up shortly."
" While we're waiting for him to come back around, lets talk about the Iron Giants and the Johnny's Quest."
" Yes, lets!"
" So, do you think that Johnny's Quest can keep its run going up to two wins consecutive, Casey?"
" Let me answer your question with a question. Can the Giants continue their elf styming trend in to week two, Dan? "
" It'll be rough. Two wardancers is bad enough, but that Treeman John Green is going to make it difficult for the Giants to hold the center of the pitch. "
" That it will be. Next up is the defending champs, the Red Sabres facing off against the charmingly named BEERd."
" The most interesting game of the week is right here, folks. The Sabres have veteran players, an excellent coach, and the cachet of championship."
" Never say cachet again, Dan."
" On the other hand, BEERd has a squad of deranged alcoholics with Napolean complexes that combine to the size of the Cold Lands."
" Oddly enough, who wins the coin toss will matter a lot on this one."
" Why's that, Casey? "
" If the Sabres start with the ball, they'll likely score a fast touchdown. The dwarve line isn't quite fast enough to keep up with those quick Human catchers. The short, bearded maniacs then can take their time scoring in the remainder of the first half, crunching down the field at their slow, drunken pace."
" Which means that BEERd has the whole second half to grind a touchdown in, eating up the clock. Brilliant!"
" Genius! "
" Smash! "
" And it looks like our wizard on the scene has the connection back. Welcome back, Joe."
" And our last match of the week is between two Chaos teams. Should be quiet a bloodbath."
" Well, it would if this were week fourteen, Dan. As it is, both teams are relatively light in the violence department. Surreally, this match will come down to who can handle the ball better, not who can smash the best."
" Smashing is da' best."
" Thanks for that, Joe. And that's all we have for you this week. I'm Casey McCall."
" And I'm Dan Rydell. And remember, respect women, or they'll put the boot to you when you're down. This was SportsNight."
" Hello, I'm Casey "Killer" McCall."
" And I'm Dan Rydell."
" And you're watching SportsNight, on CABALVISION, sponsored by Iron Warrior Athletic Wear. Get tough. Get Iron Warrior tough."
" Our Monday Night Blood Bowl game of the week is the lossless Styx Rivermen trying to keep their momentum strong against the feisty, plucky, and also-happen-to-be-funding-us squad of Tinwë United. This one should be exciting, Casey."
" Tinwë has laid in an almost unheard of four apothecaries for this match, calling in favors from the cousins of most of the players on the team who went to medical school, rather than faff about playing water polo and drinking sherry all day."
" We've also heard reports that the Rivermen's star Throw-Ra, Tom Gravy, has been having trouble handling the ball in team scrimmages for the last week."
" When contacted, Styx Rivermen press secretaries insisted that any stories involving Gravy's actual -hands- being torn off by an over enthuisiastic Tomb Guardian are simply propaganda being spread by the less, terrified teams in the league."
" Regardless of the truth behind the matter, Styx won't have Gravy to foot in its touchdowns this week."
" Can the Rivermen perservere without their key ball handler? Can the elves stay on the field with their legion of medics? "
" Well, those are the salient questions. What do you think the answers are? "
" Yes and no, Dan."
" You really want our show to be cancelled don't you, Casey? "
" I'm locked in to this contract for another six years otherwise. The Royal College contacted me about the title role in Sigmund: The Musical."
" ... horrible. Moving on."
" Rampage! had a rough week last game playing the deadly Rivermen. Facing the solid green line of Green IS Your Enemy! is a Norse squad that's down more than a few players. Without a full squad, they'll be forced to use.. really, anyone who shows up to help them out. This'll probably turn out poorly for the Rampage!"
" Yes indeed. In the battle of the Exclamation Marks, it seems that the newcomers have the edge. And the edge is numbers."
" Now here's an elf team that understands agility play! The Johnny's Quest has put up some impressive numbers as they've stormed to two victories to start the season off right. This smashed conventional wisdom involving rerolls, team building, and frontloading your roster with expensive positional players."
" Yes it did, Casey."
" Thanks for that affirmation, Dan. This could change in the game against the Patched Plagues, however. Without their Treeman, the wood elves will lack that strong center that has let their swift movement skirt around the eye of the storm at the heart of the pitch. And with the duo of Patches and Claws looking at adding another zombie to their team, this one could get bloody."
" Rather than think about the Red Sabres game ourselves, Casey and I spent the morning tossing cards in to a hat from across the room. So we sent our field reporter Joe Nar Law Muu down to their locker rooms to get an inside scoop. Joe?"
" Dees boys are ready fer anythin'. Dey been practicun' and working real hard. Deys gonna smash dees Valks in ter der ground."
" What do they think of the star talent the Valkyries have managed to secure for this match, Joe? Are they worried about them at all?"
" Are yoo kidding me? Naw. Dees boys are going to take 'em and smash 'em good. Joe sez."
" And there you have it, folks. Joe says."
" MAIM KILL BURN versus the Iron Giants, Dan. Who's your pick?"
" The Iron Giants."
" And your reason? "
" They seem to actually be capable of picking the ball up, Casey. That's step number one in winning a game of Blood Bowl."
" Step number two being? "
" Not dropping the damn thing."
" With the entire prior week off to celebrate their victory over the Red Sabres, the Fancy Lads are back in a serious bout against the solid center line of BEERd. With a deathroller for the second match in a row, the dwarves of BEERd will have an almost unstoppable presence on the pitch for the first drive."
" But will it be enough to set them up for the rest of the game? Tune in to find out."
" What do you think Hellbug's Heroes are doing with their week off, Dan? "
" If I know them, they're probably getting themselves pumped for their game next week."
" You don't think they're off somewhere, pillaging a luckless village, setting fire to its church, and carrying off all of the loot they can manage?"
" Isn't that what I said?"
" And that's all we've got time for this week on SportsNight. Turn in next week, when we'll discuss the finer points of agility based play. I'm Casey McCall."
" And I'm Dan Rydell. And this was SportsNight."
" Hello, I'm Casey "Killer" McCall."
" And I'm Dan Rydell."
" And you're watching SportsNight, on CABALVISION, sponsored by The Happy Halfling, All You Can Eat Buffet. Never be hungry again, come on down to the Hungry Halfling. Now with new and improved sticky buns!"
" And we're back from our week of hiatus. Now, you just got back from Altdorf and a brief run starring in Sigmund: The Musical! How was that, then?"
" It went very well, thank you very much."
" Don't kid, Casey. Tell our fans at home like it is."
" Fine. I'm been officially barred from the Imperial Capital, the script for Sigmund: The Musical! has been burnt, and most of the Royal College along with it."
" Savage. Sounds like you're lucky to have made it out of there alive. Moving on to Blood Bowl news. The Iron Giants have the week off. I don't really have much more to say about that. Do you, Casey?"
" Only to congratulate them on their victory last week. Well done, boys."
" The Johnnys' Quest have been brutally man, or rather, elfhandled by their opponents in the last two weeks. Unfortunately, this week doesn't look like its going to be any different. Green IS Your Enemy! is shaping up to be quite the contender."
" I still think the Quest is going to walk away with a victory, but at what cost? How long before the squad consists of two elves, a shrub, and a lot of hope?"
" How long indeed, Casey."
"Reputedly, Tinwë United's new owner has spent the whole week since floating in a bathtub filled with champagne. Talk about extravagent!"
" Right you are, Casey. Most men would consider a single afternoon sufficient for a bubbly bath. Unfortunately, this means he's currently unavailable for our scheduled interview. Instead, we have Joe on location to talk to Ingwë Peloras, the team's coach. Can you hear me, Ingwë, Joe?"
" You betcha, Dan."
" Indeed. Indeed we can."
" Now, Ingawhee, tell me about der off ents of der team."
" Our offense -would- be great if the boys didn't get so excited on the pitch that they forget our passing drills. Every one of them born to play the game the way it was meant to be played, and still, they have a case of nerves. As it stands, so-so."
" And on der dee fence?"
" Wretched. Simply wretched. The only player worth speaking about on defense is Valinor, and that simply won't cut it. I've been working with the rest of the team to develop their tackling, their field presence. Valinor needs to work on his ability to pop the ball lose when he connects on a block, too. Really, there's so much work that needs to happen on defense, it almost doesn't make sense to list it."
" Which is ter say der same thing, yeah? For how much you smash?"
" Pretty much. I don't feel the need to build that element of the team up, though. I think we can win by embracing our strengths, rather than trying to spread out and become just mediocre at everything. The only thing there is to say about our injury production is that I'm probably going to be running with a second apothecary for most of the season. I feel like we need it to keep our boys healthy enough for them to have the time to realize how and why they should improve."
" So, in general?"
" I think the team stinks. But that's why I was brought in by the new owner. To whip these boys in to shape. And so help me, I will."
" Der you have it. Der United doesn't smash."
" And what do you think about their chances about your old team this week, Joe?"
" Der Red Sabres smash. United can't smash. Der Sabres are gonner win."
" Thanks Joe. Now, the next game is MAIM KILL BURN versus the terrifying Rivermen."
"If this matchup had happened later in the season, the Rivermen would have had a serious fight on their hands. Chaos can put together a pretty stompy set of players."
" But, as it stands, the Rivermen should sweep the field completely by the midway point of the second half. If they weren't hideous, undead monsters from the deserts of death itself, they could knock off early for a cup of tea."
" As it stands, they're probably going to just stomp on the brutalized remains of their adversaries some more."
" Most likely."
" Seems like a safe bet. Lets check with our resident stomping expert. Joe?"
" Deys gonna smash. Not gonna stomp."
" I see! Insightful as always."
" The Fancy Lads are the team to beat in the B Division."
" And Rampage isn't the team to do it."
" Why do you say that? "
" Their armor is too light. In any confrontation between teams that can slug it out, it all comes down to who has men left on the pitch. And that's going to be the Lads."
" The Heroes are struggling coming in to week five."
" On paper, so are the Patched Plagues. The reality is something entirely different, of course. The Plagues squad is something that is becoming genuinely frightening."
" If the Heroes weren't all psychotic Chaos worshippers, they might even be scared. But, since they are, they just seem eager for another chance at kicking butt."
" Now this is trouble, Dan. The lovely ladies of Die Valkyrie are going up against their natural enemies. Dwarves."
" Natural enemies? How do you mean, Casey?"
" Well, they're thieving, atavistic, short, stinking alcoholics, the lot of them. And they all bloody have tackle. Its disgusting."
" Too true, Casey. The Valkyries are going to be struggling, with their dominant strength almost completely nullified. That still doesn't change the main question; can BEERd actually score a point? They've been shut out since week one."
" That will be the crux of the biscuit. Care to venture a guess?"
" Despite their commanding advantages, BEERd will come up empty. Their legs are just too short."
" Whereas, the Valks have some serious legs."
" You're filthy, Casey."
" I know. Its hard to wash all of this ash off. And that's all the time we have this week. I'm Casey McCall."
" And I'm Dan Rydell. This was SportsNight."
"Hello, and I'm Casey "Killer" McCall."
And I'm Dan Rydell."
"And you're watching SportsNight, on CABALVISION, sponsored by Djinn Gin. When you really wish you had a drink, make it a Djinn and Tonic."
"Tonight we're going to be taking a close look at the Monday Night Blood Bowl game between defending Champions the Red Sabres and plucky underdogs the Johnny's Quest."
" Indeed. And it should be a heck of a game."
" On paper, the Sabres are probably the most impressive team in the league. Veteran players, accomplished support staff, actually have some squad practice in effect. Catcher Morr E.N. Tezz is easily the most impressive human Catcher that has played the sport in quite some time."
" ... which means he's just about as good as the average Wood Elf line man."
" What this Catcher has backing him up is entirely unlike the typical Wood Elf team, however. Four of the Sabres have the incredibly useful ability to lend their weight in a block no matter what. This amount of guardian weight is going to prove telling in the scrum that will develop on the field."
" Speaking of guard, Bald Green John's own talent in that field is going to be an impressive swing for the elves. His high movement, and his impressive agility combine to allow him to place that extra attention just about anywhere the Johnnies need it."
" I think Johnny 5-Shots could prove pivotal in this match-up. The ability to strip the ball away from a careless runner is pivotal and with only one player who has the safe hand work to counter it, the Red Sabres could be looking at some serious turn overs."
" Its not just that the fact that 5-Shots is so good at stripping the ball away, Dan. As a wardancer, he's almost hilariously mobile. Leap lets him completely ignore the defensive cages that so many teams use to protect the ball carrier. And he really doesn't need much help setting up the block, either. Even without any help, he's more likely than not to be knocking that ball away."
" Very true."
" This leaves the question of inducement finances."
" They really had to grease the palm of the wood elves coach for this one, Casey. The Quest is looking at something in the area of 350 large in toys."
" I know what I would do it with it."
" And none of us want to hear it, Casey. My own advice would involve a star player, one of the cheaper ones. These high profile targets seem to do a great job absorbing a lot of the violence that so often is inflicted on the Quest. Then, I would probably spring for a few of the mid-range inducements, the hundred thousanders."
" You just want to see an elf with a chainsaw, Dan."
" I just want to see an elf with a chainsaw, Casey. Is that so much to ask?"
" I think the Johnny's should hire a brace of extra apothecaries. Fredo D. Stefani has been taking it easy, but mark my words. That man is primed for some serious carnage. As for the Red Sabres special teams coach, I have two words for you . Pass Block. Look in to it, buddy. You're going to need it. We've very nearly run out of time; Dan, how about you let the viewers at home know what you think of the rest of the games this week."
" GIYE! is going to wreck MKB's day in the battle of the Capitol Letters, The Fancy Lads are going to prevail over Tinwë, the Styx will continue to do their same old dance on the face of the Heroes, Rampage! will beat BEERd despite getting one of their stars injured severely, and the Plagues will somehow manage to lose to the Giants despite mauling them severely as well."
" And the Valkyries will be washing their hair all week. So don't get any ideas, fans."
" You're appalling, Casey."
" I'm Casey McCall."
" And I'm Dan Rydell. This was SportsNight."
" Hello, and I'm Casey "Killer" McCall."
" And I'm Dan Rydell."
" And you're watching SportsNight, on CABALVISION, sponsored by the University of Rotterheim. An educated zombie is a zombie with a future. Get some brrrrrrains!"
" We're taking a look at how the sport has changed. Changed for the better, or changed for the worse, many will argue that point. But one thing no one can argue is that it has been a dramatic change."
" One of the most obvious changes to the sport as a whole is the position of journeyman on a team's roster. In the old days, teams weren't allowed to have players take part in the match unless they were officially on the team. This often led to some teams playing with nine, seven, or sometimes fewer players on the pitch."
" Journeymen allow teams to focus on just playing the sport, and not worrying so hard about a gradual spiral into destruction, shame, and fan-mounted raids on the clubhouse."
" I once saw Startrek.nl play a game where they had one player on the pitch."
" Couldn't have been pretty for the wood elves, could it?"
" No, it was fine. He won, actually."
"... Moving on."
" I would argue that, once upon a time, Stand Firm was the best skill in the game."
" Indeed. What causes turn-overs like mad? Dodges failing. What else? Go For Its failing. What did the old Stand Firm do? Prevent them -entirely-. That's right. You could attempt a dodge, no matter how insane, and not worry. Take that mummy of yours and have him try to dodge into five tackle zones. On a six, he succeeds! On any other result... he just stays where he was. It was magic."
" The number of disgusting plays I'd seen happen with Flesh Golems? Lord almighty."
" These days, Claw simply sets the armor of the blocked player to seven. Simple. Clean. And, for elves, it means that claws don't really do much of anything, allowing Wood Elves to just giggle and stick out their tongue at werewolves and chaos monsters alike."
" But back in the glory days, Claw -added- a whopping two to your armor penetration roll."
" For those of you keeping track out there, that lowered an elf's effective armor to five. -Five-."
" And that's not all, Casey. There was the dreaded, disgusting, totally amazing Razor Sharp Claws. Someone was worried that simply breaking armor like it was paper wasn't good enough, so they created this skill. It adds two to the -injury roll-."
" Consider how much we worry about mighty blow, with a mere +1 to penetration -or- injury. A Claw/RSC player had +2 to both! Mind blowing!"
" Lastly, a quick look at the post-game experience's most infamous component; aging. The aging mechanic forced every player to make an increasingly more difficult check whenever they gained a skill. Fail the check, and you gained a serious injury trait!"
" Simple as that, Dan. And, though it was difficult, a player could fail the roll on his very first skill! "
" Right you are. Nothing like having a Wardancer gain a niggling injury after a single game, and not even from something as expected as a massive pile of dwarves kicking him in the bits."
" Which brings up the dreaded niggling injury. Now, a niggle just increases the odds of the player exploding into a bloody mist every time they're hit."
" Bad, we grant you. But how bad?"
" Compared to the old niggles which had a one in six chance of -preventing the player from taking the pitch at all-."
" That's right! And if you had multiple niggles, every. Single. One. Had a one in six chance of keeping you off the pitch."
" Not only was it frustrating, it wasn't fun. And we're oh so glad its changed."
" We hoped you enjoyed this look back. I'm Dan Rydell."
" And I'm Casey McCall. This was SportsNight."
" Tonight on a very special SportsNight, we're going to take a moment to talk about a very real problem."
" We've been confused by the general optimism shown towards a certain team, and a general lack of straight talking. That team's name? Tinwe United."
" So we've taken a look at their upcoming game and taken it apart, piece by piece, to demonstrate why exactly we here at SportsNight think that they're a completely rubbish team who've got as much shot at the playoffs as they do at being the first elves to land on the moon."
" Winless since Week Six, Tinwe's fans have been deserting the Union in droves over the past several weeks of their trudge to the bottom. Yes folks, that's right. Week Six. Even Hellbug's Heroes and MAIM KILL BURN have gotten a win more recently than that. I would call it shameful, but really, that's an insult to shame. The only other team to go this long winless? Green Is Your Enemy! Hells bells, BEERd has won twice in that span of time. Incidentally, one of those wins the dwarves snagged? A Three-One victory over Tinwe. You heard me right folks. Dwarves utterly blew out elves."
" Inducements are the one really shiny spot for Tinwe. We'll almost certainly be seeing a serious Star Player taking the field, and probably one or two dirty tricks besides. Of course, even with the Star Player, Tinwe'll still be down a player in a game that'll come down to injuries."
" Comparing their positionals.. the Johnny's have an edge so sharp it bleeds. Four Catchers to two catchers; all of the Johnny's Catchers have at least one skill and most have an ability increase. 'Itchy' Feet in particular is a threat that should not be underestimated; with a potential movement of twelve and a built in reroll on his Go-For-Its, his redzone is the fifty yard line."
" Tinwe's best catcher, Tirnen Thirgail, falls short in comparison to this beast. The greater strength shouldn't matter, as neither of these players should be in the thick of it; their role is punching touchdowns in. The Johnny's have four of these touchdown monsters, while Tinwe's lone backup Catcher has the impressive and singular skill of... being slightly slower than he was when he started. Way to be unique, Palidos, way to be."
" Blitzers is the one spot where Tinwe has a slight edge. With two Blitzers to the one Wardancer, Tinwe has a shot at finally being able to disrupt some plays."
" Of course, 5-Shots is that one step faster than either Ienora or Valinor. Between that step and leap, his manueverability is much higher."
" On the other hand, his Dauntless character won't be worth much against the Pro Elves."
" On the gripping hand, Casey, if the worst thing that you can say is,' I won't need this special skill to deal with my enemy because my enemy is so stonking weak it doesn't apply to even their strongest player', then you're probably doing alright."
" Yes indeedy. Moving on, their throwers are almost identical. Almost, that is, except that ( as will become a constant refrain ), the Tinwe plodder Ingorian Windglaive is one step slower than Dijon ‘Crazy’ Bone. A lone step that'll almost certainly be telling."
" Oh, and the little fact that Dijon has completed over THREE TIMES more passes than the sadsack which is Ingorian Windglaive. What a pile! Seriously. It can't be overstated what a blow the sheer incompetence of this absolutely maladroit puddle splasher is to Tinwe."
" Yikes. Looking at their linemen, every single United player is worse than his counterpart on the Johnny's from the get-go. That one step slower is the difference between locking up tackle zones, that one extra die roll for a Go For It. This is the painfaul part for Tinwe. Taking skills in to account, amazingly, it actually doesn't get too much worse for Tinwe. While a mere half of their six linemen have skills, the same can be said of the Johnny's with three out of their five. With one of their linemen sporting the functional yet personally unimpressive Leader, the Johnny's skills come out in the wash, balancing out the increased agility one of their other linemen possesses."
" And the worst was saved for last; the positionals that the Johnny's have which Tinwe doesn't have at all. Treeman and Tomb Guardian."
" Yes, folks, you heard that right. The Wood Elves of Johnny's Quest are being allowed to field a Khemri player. Don't ask us, we just read the news."
" With two high strength mighty blow players, the Quest will be dealing out the harshness all game long. "
" If Rampage had mauled the Johnny's in week ten, this might be a game. But we're pretty confident that all in all, it won't be. Tinwe will be lucky if they score a single touchdown, and the Johnny's won't be leaving with less than three touchdowns. If they're going to get four touchdowns in a game this season, this'll be it."
" When all's said, anything can happen. But anything being possible doesn't mean anything is probable. Best case scenario for Tinwe United is they come out uninjured and with a tie. While they haven't a snowflakes chance in the hot place to pull off a win, a tie might just be possible."
" Possible but entirely unlikely. The Johnny's do poorly when they're outbashed. Tinwe isn't going to outbash them, especially not with ringer Ned the Annihilator swinging. So TINWE is going to lose badly. QED. Our official SportsNight prediction? Four-One, Johnny's, and at least two of the Pro Elves are going to be retiring after the game from injuries, fatal or otherwise."
" I'm Dan Rydell."
" And I'm Casey McCall. This was a very special SportsNight."
Most Valuable Player: Göndul. End of story. She's just an amazing Valkyrie. Flat out amazing. Without her, the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants would be doomed. They'd be sitting at the bottom of the rankings with MAIM KILL BURN and the Iron Giants. This isn't just her play on the pitch, either. As the heart and soul of her team, she's helped her fellow non-fellows get through the hardships and emotional rollercoaster that is the sport of professional Blood Bowl.
Offensive Player of the Year: Morr E.N. Tezz. Can you believe this guy? Spryer than an elf, and cockier to boot. This guy is a real class act. While we're surprised he didn't clean up in the rain this last week, one dropped stitch does not a disaster make. We wouldn't be surprised if he secured a second notch in his belt this year at the Big Game.
Defensive Player of the Year: No real surprise here. Bull the Butcher has returned for a second season of carnage. How bloody, you ask? As of this writing, the A.S.B. has him listed as causing more than the next three spots on the list combined. Good grief. The other team can't score if they're not on the pitch, and with Bull around, they won't be.
Offensive Rookie of the Year: How do you win the game? You score touchdowns. And no one's done that better with a worse team than Tirnen "Top" Thirgail. Currently standing at the top of the Touchdown chart, and the leading rookie with SPP, Tirnen has put up some really impressive numbers this season. But even more than that he's done something that no one else has done in the history of the League; scored four touchdowns in a single match. And this wasn't against some gormless team, sitting its stars. Goodness no. Top Tirnen run these record setting touchdowns in against the ace Johnnies who were fortified by the presence of a dreaded Riverman. Short version? Tinwë United is going to the playoffs for one reason. This guy.
Defensive Rookie of the Year: We wish we could give the nod to the Iron Giants Max Saravia for his game changing interception from early in the season, but unfortunately... he's followed a training regime which will consign the poor fellow to the dustbin of history. Dirty Player has fallen far in its usability since the days of classic Get the Ref! and massive bonuses on damage. Beyond that, the players never seem to know quite when to stick the boot in as they pass up golden chances to foul excellent targets about as often as they jam up rookies and get ejected without causing an injury. And then there's the ever odious +1 AV. We're hoping this guy gets cut from the Giants' roster next year.
Who's getting it, you ask? George "Grafts" of the Patched Plagues. This guy is a beast, and he's only going to get better next season. He's the lynchpin to the defensive line of the Plagues. When you consider that the -rest- of the line are zombies with such auspicious names as "Fodder" and... well, "Fodder", you know that this guy and his slightly less impressive brother Frank are the ones doing the really heavy lifting.